Tears of Relief

My first AA meeting outside of ones I attended in detox brought a flood of emotions. Over my life, I had controlled them by channeling my energy into a focused effort to be my best. Over time, that focus dwindled and I started to blunt my emotions with alcohol.

Leading up to the meeting, I was shaking with fear. While I admitted I had a problem with alcohol to myself and those closest to me, in the meeting I would be in a room full of strangers laying my vulnerability on the table. Even if I didn't speak, the horror of other people knowing my secret was not something I embraced. In my first 48 years of life, I rarely showed fear.

I was angry and embarrassed that I let alcohol lead me to disappoint so many people - my family, friends, employees and myself. I was always a leader and tried to be strong for everyone who needed help.

Powerlessness in my mind was a sign of weakness. I had never been powerless over anything and overcame many challenges to build what I thought was an awesome life. I had a beautiful family, nice house, friends and I was near the top of the corporate ladder in my career. I was, however, powerless over alcohol.

My future was in doubt and my anxiety was out of control. Could I stop drinking and get sober? Would my family stay by my side? Would I lose my job? Will my life ever be the same?

Before the meeting, I met with my first mentor who happened to live a few houses away. He had about 2 years of sobriety and he did everything he could to calm my emotions. I listened the best I could, but was still numb from the shock of my situation. He repeated something that I heard in detox - "YOUR NEXT DRINK COULD VERY WELL BE THE END OF YOUR LIFE."

In my job, when I walked into a room, I usually commanded attention and respect. As I walked in to AA, I got attention and respect but it was different. The members gave me attention as the new guy and respected me for talking a leap of faith to attend their group.

While I remember the location, the leader of the meeting and many of the people in the room, I honestly can't remember the topic. What I vividly remember was my first public statement of: "Hi, I am Bill and I am an alcoholic." It was a spiritual moment for me. I showed my vulnerability and asked for help from a group of people who I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Almost immediately, my emotions changed. I cried TEARS OF RELIEF that day knowing that my life was about to change.

Keep Moving, Stay Sober and enjoy Life Outside the Bottle